I'm trying to make myself feel like mapling is actually a sin; constantly hurting my life one way or another. But then... maybe I was making maple my companion, or maybe I just need to understand myself better without games to make me run away from myself, my own desires, and my own needs. Maybe... I should just stop giving myself stupid excuses.
For the time being, I guess I don't know much and I couldn't figure out alot of things. Being confused over everything around me, especially when feelings come on stage and start to create massive amounts of scenes, engraving pieces of memories. I have to admit... some pieces of it disappears or tends to go missing, or maybe I didn't engrave it too well, or it's just too big that i got too used to being blinded by it.
I'm just starting to see my habitual silence again, becoming something I might just be obsessed about myself. I grew numb over things. Wait... I think I am always making myself numb over things. Like, for example, I guess anybody who knew me for a long time wouldn't believe I don't tend to get mad easily anymore. But, they do know I tend to space out alot. And frankly, recently, all of the spacing-outs are just blank pieces of thoughts; with no meaning or too many that I could never decipher it. I have no reason and no rhyme to explain myself why have am I like this. But, I guess that's what I am. This spacing-out character of mine, always finding fault with people, and actually makes alot of trouble; especially to those that I care alot. It bothers me, but I guess, I hope people understand that it's part of my character that I can't change.
I never spoke about my inner thoughts and feelings to many. Naturally, I don't trust people easily. Or maybe, I haven't learn how to. The usual kind of my-rantings are very down feelings, and I tend to be selfish with the other positive feelings, and probably the decision-making ones. It's like, when I decided to give people that meaningful chance to know me, suddenly I feel like I'm going to be used, one way or another, and things are going to go against me. Utterly wrong, and in the end i just tend to shut myself out, and do a play-pretend.
I oversee things, and I planned out my future. More or less, whatever that was planned, didn't really go so well, even though the basic skeleton was there. Maybe things were to be designed this way. Maybe I designed it that way. I'm not sure. I was never sure. I was, I guess, for quite a while, until when I saw the real world slapping me to wake up from that imagery that I was making.
I have yet to understand that whatever that is happening, it ain't revolving around me. I'm not the thing that is of great importance. I have to admit that there are more things that I need to be more aware of. Maybe I am aware of it, just that I tend to ignore for quite a while. A long while. Just to get myself back on the ground standing... but I guess whatever method I did was not an easy one. Maybe, all methods ain't easy; riddled with pros and cons.
Not many would understand what I'm trying to say. But I think I'm good enough to understand my own words 'cos to make these sentences takes alot of effort, and alot of thorough thinking and alot of self-reflection. I guess, feeling alone, and being alone, wasn't an easy job. I want to feel needed, and I grew hungry over it. But, I have no confidence to ever stand up for things. Standing up for myself, for that matter. I always feel two things: 1. I'm using people and 2. I will feel used, and I really wonder if someone could make me think otherwise.
I recently met a guy, and suddenly he reminds me of someone. I thought it was someone I hated, or any other person I knew. But... I was really wrong. Maybe that's why I was utterly confused. But then, I think it's just me being confused. I am confusing myself. I keep checking myself in the mirror but I couldn't visualise what made me this way. Especially how I became myself. Confusing enough, I might say. But I think that's the reason why I'm like this.
It's hell tiring to convince me to believe some things. I think many would agree with this. Why don't I feel convinced? Call it a weakness. I just don't really understand the word Trust enough.
My inner self is telling me that it wishes that someone will actually come up to me and just tell me, "You know what? I don't care whatever things that you can make me go through, so long as I can make you understand that meaning of Trust. Even when the sun don't shine and the clouds starts to cry, and Life tends to just drown you in the mud, I'd be that person that will go through all that with you."
Sometimes, I believe that every word is true. Sometimes, I think that Words blinded me enough. Maybe that's why I am silent. I keep quiet. And I just smile. Because I still believe that silence actually means more than a thousand words written. More than that of a physical touch. More than that of understanding a picture. Especially when the Silence is accompanied by inscribing memories, where a thousand words won't even explain what anyone is going through.
I think I just explained too much of myself right now. Maybe, all these words may mean nothing to you. Maybe. Who knows? I don't know. The beneficial part of being silent is always there.
I never said being silent means I acknowledge things.
I never said being silent means I like how things are going, or even otherwise.
I never said being silent means I'm feeling guilty of what people are accusing me.
I never said being silent means I'm running away from everything.
I just believe that silence means more than a thousand words said.
... But always with a tinge of hope that someone would understand what it meant.
The time is 4:39am. Just to prove to you how long I took to write down what I feel and what I think.
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