excited. but dreading all at the same time

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Careless whisper

Quickly, the fourth week is over. 2 observations are done, and in the same day too... Everyone was shocked when? I said two in a day.

I planned earlier with my math ct that i would like her to observe me when i teach the 2nd topic - properties of triangles and four-sided figures. Actually, when i heard that i need to teach geometry, it was like as if the sun was shining on my face. Cos i loveeeeeeee geometry, more less than math itself.

the observation was good and fantastic to say the most. i was prepared, and confident that the class would be comfortable with me, and able to understand what i was teaching. everything is concise, and my kids are manageable. a HA class tends to show you a lot of complacency as they are able to comprehend and do questions that are higher in difficulty than what could be found in the syllabus. nonetheless, i was able to grasp what is needed to teach in a class for math.

my only wish and concern is the ability to seek out programs that could help with the students understanding in various math topics. most are payable without a trial run. i mean, how am i, as an educator be able to upgrade my curriculum teaching if i were interested in a program on my own. it costs a whole lot unlike when u get it for the school.

free programs are limited, but i guess being able to source it out is worth the time. for primary school level, most trials are able to provide you with the necessary items unlike higher order math.


After which, i had my supervisor's observation. thank heavens my main ct isn't observing me, as i felt like i wasnt able to accomplish what i intend to do in that 1hr lesson. what shines through is my classroom management (which is what my sup is focusing on) and my attitude.

without the correct attitude, you won't be able to get pass the real teaching world. i was almost in tears because i felt that she would penalise me for not being able to accomplish my objectives, but she was very patient with me and gave me ample time after that to do a reflection on the lesson. while she was sipping coffee i explained to her what was difficult, what can i do about it, and how uncomfy i was teaching something i felt i wasnt at the correct proficiency level.

she understood my fears and offered that she could observe me if need be in math class. but she reassured me that i passed, so there isnt a cause for worry.

buti still am. the next round is 10 weeks. if u gave me lower pri eng, i would have the same confidence in teaching like p5 math. but for the upper primary, it would cause me worry when there is a need for observation. expectations will run high and i definitely do not want to bring the class down in that 10 week long process. the kids are my worry. not if my own selfishness.

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Living a Life in Dire's Shoes

In less than a month, I've heard of many passings.

My grandfather,
My uncle's mother,
My aunt's grandmother,
My brother's best friend.

This is not inclusive of other acquaintances and their related passings.

The last passing is a generous man, who was an achiever and able to manage time between his parents, kids, wife, work and friends. It saddens me the most when his 3 young children still insist on meeting their late father after the burial process. The eldest told the youngest sibling that he won't be able to see father anymore. An eldest doing his responsibility at such young age... taking over his dad.

I cried, putting myself in his wife's shoes. His mother couldn't accept the fact that her child left before her...

It really makes me wonder, if God is trying to show us not to be complacent.

It's high time.

Get back down to Earth.

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Don't mind me, I'm in love

Who.would have imagined that i would be able to spend so much on stationeries? Mind you that it's pretty close to a whooping 200 bucks..

... Yes. that much. Never had i ever thougjt I'd be able to spend that much in just 3 days.

Anyway, life is so hectic these days that i'm wondering why i ever find myself envying the ol' uns when they were in our shoes. Seriously, its total mumbo jambo.

To digress, i had gotten myself alot of camera accessories as well. 2 cam bags, 1 ppt presenter, 1 tote bag, camera filters that i cant wait to try.

.......*

dear love,
for a fact that this blog is still unknown to you, lest for my sanity. Its a tiring feat to keep myself upbeat. life is different when u exist... so lets hope its permanent and for real.

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bah

using my htc to blog (:

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1st Week 2nd Day

I've gotten to know 6 trainee teachers who is attending in my current posted school.
2 - doing a 4-day school experience (BA)
3 - doing a 5-week school experience (BSc/BA)
2 (excluding myself) - doing a 5-week TA (DipEDinMT)

"Ada mata melihat,

ada telinga mendengar,

ada mulut bercakap"

I wonder why these teachers keep asking us this infamous question.

"Are you really in this? This whole teaching thing?"

It occured to me more alarmingly now that maybe more of those who joined the force isn't here with the passion. Like one would say (which might make sense to a big extent), "Passion can die, it's what behind it that makes up the decision".

I'm sorry, but I'm here after doing a long stint of 2 years. If I was taking the degree, I would be in my 3rd year, and still enjoying the ride. I have to admit that I may not be at the decent platform to teach yet, but I'm learning and I'm pushing myself to the limit. Naturally, I would love to crossover (++_________ hehehhehe).

In many cases, in this stint, there's no reason to judge anything, or anyone for that matter. I think I'm kicking a pressure up for myself now, as for the others who are doing the same general observation as I am isn't teaching at all. It is just too important for me, more so than that of people who are just doing observations.

I'm worried that people might take my words differently, or worse offended. I am aware that I should be careful with the words and the personality that I portray. It's not like I have to be fake, it's just the need to be sure that unnecessary things, emotions and factors should be avoided as much as possible. Moreover, I would be coming back to the school again next year. So yeap.

I'm feeling the pressure.

I want a light box
and a ring light.




I played with the lamp to get the correct light atmosphere.
You can see that I'm concerned about the picture, through the potrait itself.

Guess that my face can  really show emotions even if its slight.

And the last two pictures are actually when I was thinking of something. :]

When I was a young girl, I sat on my mother's lap watching my grandfather lying on a thin mattress in his bedroom. I hardly met him, as he stays pretty far from my neighbourhood, and somehow at that age, I tend to fear people a whole lot. I guess I didn't even manage to get myself acquainted with my grandfather.

During his frail times, he asked me to come nearer to him so that he can talk to me, or hold me. Everyone, my father, mother, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins, looked at me and expected me to go over to his side. I didn't know what was going on but I felt an ominous feeling about it. I shook my head despite my father asking me to not feel scared as he would be beside me. I refused.


Ever since I grew older to understand the whole situation, I realised that if I ever agreed to his last request, I would have been able to get myself acquainted with him, for real.


I regretted it.



So I told myself that to my best ability, I have to learn on being acquainted to my only living grandfather. As much as I could, I realised how big a gap I have between my male relatives and my female ones.

As nucleus family is my direct caretaker, I grew up feeling lost because I do not know how to act around him. Whenever I come over to my grandparents house, my grandfather would bring me and my cousin along downstairs to buy groceries at the shops located at the void deck. At the same time, he would ask us to head to the playground to tire ourselves out. Round and round and round we go playing at the playground.

I insisted learning how to go down the fireman's pole found in the playground because my grandfather was one. And when I did, I felt so proud of myself as I am able to prove to him I have potentials of being one, not that it ever really became one of the top dream occupations, but its there (paramedic was more of my thing, they're working beside firemen, duh.)

And once our cheeks turn bright red and am perspiring all over, he would then placate us to go back as grandmother is waiting for us. He would then ask us to go to the nearest shop to buy any tidbits we'd like to eat. For my cousins, it might have been a common thing for them to get one all the time, but I had a hard time deciding. He refuses the idea if I do not want anything, and I wasn't brought up in a manner that I should be placated in order for me to do things that I should do. I recall my times asking the shop auntie the prices of drinks and potato chips so that I can make my decision. I didn't want to burden my grandfather, as much as he is more than willing to treat us even if we are there everyday.


He bought me a toy that I found too cute for my age and despite the countless refusal when he was still able to walk with us around the night market. I cried when my mom threw it away because the rust from my water heater has enguled the little panda which I left in my bathroom. (read: it's a little float)

He got me the same clock as his so that we can wake up to the same familiar ring. And boy, that ring was LOUD.

He got me a small pillow when I was hospitalised because I told my grandparents that I can only sleep if I hug a pillow to bed.


His generosity stretches from his grandchildren to his distant relatives to his own good friends. My whole family will never deny the fact that he is far too kind sometimes to a point that he might be taken advantage of.  We love him irregardless of his strengths and his weaknesses.

My grandfather grew older, weaker and frail. He got more complications, went through operations, goes in and out of the hospital many times over the years. As I grew older, my only way to repay him was by coming over to my grandparents' house for a visit and bring some snacks along. He grew quiet over the years, but he never stopped waiting for us every week so that we could visit. Going out from his bedroom to the nearest chair in the hall takes a lot of energy and effort on his part, but rest assured, he would try his best to get himself to sit with us so that the ladies could chit chat and joke around.

I will miss him. 

I am missing him still.

My grandfather left us for the next world on Sunday. His burial was held on Monday due to the need for the Coroner's approval. Today is the 7th day tahlil. 

I won't forget how my grandmother lovingly kissed him on his forehead, cheeks, nose and hands. My grandmother is strong, as we only caught her weeping quietly, but I was crying horribly by the time I was out of the ICU. I cried hard, and I tried to stop. I promised myself to try my very best to be strong in order to support my mother, aunt, cousins and especially my grandmother when they need a shoulder to cry on. I have to, I don't know why. I just feel the responsibility to do so.

I feel like there's something missing somehow. 

I feel like there's something more that I need to do now.

I hope I'm able to pick up the pieces and straighten things out as much as I could.

Sedekahkanlah al-fatihah kepada allahyarham datuk-datukku, Haji Rahmat and Haji Abdullah Sani. Sedikit manapun akan ku terima dengan ucapan ribuan terima kasih. Insyaallah kamu akan diganjarkan pahala daripada yang Berkuasa.

I shall get ready for the tahlil now. And insyallah, god only knows and I pray that he can show me what I should do and act for the better of all of us.

Stem cells reverse blindness

Stem cells reverse blindness