I cant sleep.
& I only slept at around 7.15, the time before i forcefully closed my eyes...
& ... I woke up soon after... writing this entry... after my brother pried the laptop off my hands while i was so-called-sleeping.
less than 2 hours of sleep... and my eyes are still not tired nor sleepy.
Well, whatever it is, lets just type type n type yah?
Went out yesterday with my family... mom, dad, me, 1st bro, with sis n my nephew. Johore! Pasar Pandan... hmm... nothing great but its fun... its been a while since i laughed that much (and that loud... =x)
Bro sis n nephew did a sleepover for the night, and we only reached home at around 1 plus in the morning...
Truth be told... i never would like to switch on the laptop, only to see something that i dont think i would like at all. Seriously, maybe i should seriously study Human Psychology, cos... somehow i just wish i may end up as a counsellor or something. Working in an office or lab may eventually kill my brain cells. But who am i to say? I enjoyed working interacting with people instead of working alone... but at times i rather work alone... So i seriously wonder what am i going to do next year? When i told mom that i wanted to be a counsellor, she said, you? sure anot? later hear peoples story ur heart aches because you might end up solving ppls problems and not your own. mom sure knows how to actually kill my dreams instantly sometimes.
the whole thing is that. i only got this weekend as a well deserved holiday. i seriously wish to just be happy with happy people around me. i got alot of things to take care of. especially when it comes to deciding the fate of my life(in terms of studies, work, etc.) and maybe my partner(for fyp) as well. have it not be written across my face, for i do not know, but i know i do warn people that i need some time off to myself. that time is not just a day. or a few hours, but its SOME time. and when im cheery, god forbid, stop being so mellow.
seriously, i do not know what to say anymore. If someone wished to bestow upon him whatever he thinks, so be it. For what i have said, i needed some time off... and really, does it sound like a big demand? Doesnt it simply equates that, i need some space to breathe? no it dont? oh god. then i have no other way to say it but with the anger building up inside me.
Ive been through alot of regrets for this year... and i sincerely would like to take a step back to see what have i been doing all these while. More or less, I would LIKE to erase alot of things from my mind... just like 2 years ago. BUT, to an extend, that will affect the relationships around me. ive been doing alot to earn back what ive lost. and yet im still at the losing end.
whatever that is, this time round, im blessed with people that cared. that pushed me and nudged me to move on, and be stronger. and right now i wish to gain back my old self, some of the qualities and character that ive lost. But im so happy that i lost so much of the short fuse and shoutbacks, but somehow i think i lost it to an extend that i cant even get angry at times. should i regret? i cant, cos i did this upon myself, whether i like it or not. Ive got to move on.
Cant you see im trying to cheer up for abit? to be happy and all? and people will definitely say. look at sal, she changed. I dun understand her anymore. Have u even tried? Seriously, or did you try too hard till you got lost somewhere? cos right now, im just shutting myself out from any feelings. cant u see? i dont wish to feel anything other than happiness for the time being. does two wrongs make 1 right? cos seriously, i dont wish to feel anything else than seeing myself with a smile across my face.
I seriously hate it when people dont understand the reason why i do not wish to explain or defend myself. because I dont want to get angry and do an action on impulse. even so, should you test my patience?
and I just Wrote this because Im angry. AND EVERYTHING here is on impulse. Im TIRED. tired of being so patient. TIRED of being nice. Tired of being down. Tired of being ME. If anyone ever say im angry with them. BY ALL MEANS, I WONT STOP YOU. cos Ive already said to what im TIRED OF being.
SO if you ever take these words to heart or TOO hard, my fellow readers... and i have to say is, JUST READ MY TITLE for this post.
it doesnt means im dumb or im in the wrong when i never say anything at all. and READ between the lines.
amazing how much bitterness i actually poured out to this innocent-introduction post.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Im sorry...
sorry that i havent been blogging for the week. but i dont think this will be a good entry to make up for it.
somehow im just compelled to write and make an entry tonight.
i just cut my hair. ive been waiting for it for months. i should be happy...
but something just made me feel so... down.
i have been down since yesterday. the emotions that i felt was really immense; practically slapped me right in the face and made me cry until no tears nor a voice to accompany it. i couldnt think. i was down. so down until i was practically on the floor.
on my knees.
why? why?!
im just ruining my life. this way.
if only i can come out from underneath my table and knowing that everything around me is not out there to hurt me, id be feeling better. if only someone could be kind enough to sit beside me right now, id be thankful. i cant take this momentarily feeling of lost. solace under this table.
leave me alone if you can never be by my side. leave me unhurt if you know you will end up getting enough of me. dont teach me when you know that you wont end up happy.
im left tattered. and still unbelonged.
Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily (UK version)
True - Ryan Cabrera
papa roach-scars
somehow im just compelled to write and make an entry tonight.
i just cut my hair. ive been waiting for it for months. i should be happy...
but something just made me feel so... down.
i have been down since yesterday. the emotions that i felt was really immense; practically slapped me right in the face and made me cry until no tears nor a voice to accompany it. i couldnt think. i was down. so down until i was practically on the floor.
on my knees.
why? why?!
im just ruining my life. this way.
if only i can come out from underneath my table and knowing that everything around me is not out there to hurt me, id be feeling better. if only someone could be kind enough to sit beside me right now, id be thankful. i cant take this momentarily feeling of lost. solace under this table.
leave me alone if you can never be by my side. leave me unhurt if you know you will end up getting enough of me. dont teach me when you know that you wont end up happy.
im left tattered. and still unbelonged.
Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily (UK version)
True - Ryan Cabrera
papa roach-scars
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Fireworks. Kireiii
Woke up. with bad bad flu. told mom i need to go out.(butimsobroke).Today, we are meeting up for Anni's farewell - shes going off to US for further studies.
Talked to mom. Read the papers. Check school work. Did some timekeeping. checked out omega sector for an hour. tried figuring out what to wear but ended up asking mom. Got ready to go out.
& MY FLU IS LIKE... RUNNING TAP WATER LOR. zomg. hate it so much. ++points with my headache. GG lor. pfft.
order of meeting:
zj bobby kt lobbie marc anni jiamin cass karen mervyn galvin(&hisgf)
Met at City Hall MRT station. called n called n called like a gazillion times to be sure that we didnt miss out anyone. T_T bobby showed his friends pics(earlier on they were poking fun at me when i msned him; he was doing his project and the laptop wasnt with him) and zj lend me his psp (though i too shy to play it in front of the crowd). finally knew lobbies real name but i still cant register it in my brain <.<>hw couldnt come. xuan as well. lq too. family gatherings.
we went ahead to seoul garden at marina. but because it was the eve of national day, the cost will be 27 bucks per person. we are like, *^$^ flyflyliao* and decided not to eat there. went into marina and they were like asking me to decide on a place to eat. for me i do not like to be the one choosing the place to eat. but we all decided upon taking away food from nearby fastfood of our choice and getting an open space to sit and wait for the fireworks at 9pm.
bobby and i [ljs] zj [err.iforgot] anni [kfc] therest [burgerking]
ate and sat on the floor in a oval shaped manner. took some medication after that. marc was sending smses to me and anni to try out our phones - all the japanese characters turned out as [][][][] in our phones. lol. anni and i desperately need new phones! =x did some mini chitchat among ourselves while waiting for the fireworks to happen. and when it did. all of us stood up to watch. 12 minutes of fireworks.
IT WAS SO NICE! ~XD
*wishedthatiwastherewithsomeonespecialbutishemysomeoneanymorebcosidonotknow*
i kept saying oh dear/wow - this is pretty.I was like *tiptoes to see fireworks at the bridge and looks up to see the fireworks*. i did gasp with delight. loved the one that changed colour and that filled up the whole sky. Never mind the fact that trees (and people, for my case) were blocking me from getting a good view at the fireworks near the bridge, but the ones that were displayed higher up towards the sky was so nice and pretty.
*Note to self: Please get your butt to watch NDP live and the fireworks again next year* =x
and the 12 minutes of fireworks display was too short in my honest opinion. MORE MORE! =x After the fireworks, we decided to hang around at Esplanade for mini chitchats. this is the worst part of all. THE CROWD IS CRAZY. its like ants finding sweet treasures(mrt/bus home) . kt went on and said Summon Balrog. <.< lol. while trying to cross the streets, there were too many people. and somehow i started feeling worse even though i took my medication earlier.
While waiting for the crowd to subside so that we can sit near colours of the bay facing the singapore river (karen went off to find someway to get us there), my body started heating up and making me flush but my hands and feet were turning into ice. I started flushing and the food was at my throat but i couldnt manage to throw up. the involuntary tears started to appear and everything was so... slow/bland/blur/i couldnt figure out what was happening. i only could cover my mouth with my hand and wipe my tears. i couldnt figure out what i would have done but that faint/giddiness/vomiting feeling was so strong and i was trying to fight back. i think bobby was waving his hand infront of me and was asking if i was feeling alright. i couldnt even see lobbie and jiamin infront of me for some time. when karen came back she even led the way with her holding me. anni offered me sweets so that i dont feel nauseous. it took us quite some time to get seats. <3 u all for the concern.
bobby kt talked about ns. marc zj crazed about psp. karen anni had mini conversations while watching marc and zj. jiamin napped. cass read comics? yeah. kt passed lollipops. me? trying to make sure i dont throw up at bobby who was sitting infront of me. =/ passed gift/card to anni =) *smooches anni* lol.
mervyn came with galvin (so late lor!). got abit better and chatted to mervyn. anni left earlier to catch the bus. 1130 and we all went off. karen got her hubby to fetch her (bobby and kt being cheapskates getting free ride) zj took another train. we all managed to get the last train home. marc left, cass, then lobbie. mervyn and i should have left the train but we decided to stay on board and send jiamin till cck making sure she get a bus ride home. no bus/train for me n merv so we shared a cab - i owe u one merv =p
by the time we reach cck my fever and flu started to annoy me again. luckily there were a few taxis waiting. the cab was cold la - involuntary action of placing my icy hand over my mouth. but my body was heating up and i was feeling somewhat uncomfortable. bobby and zj made sure i msged them when i reached home. cass n jiamin msged me when they reached home/with their parents. made the cab driver stop to the road nearby my block - so that the fare would be cheaper. reached home by 1 plus. took something light to eat before my medication and now waiting for the giddiness to subside before i get myself to bed. msned mervyn that im home. all of them forcing me to sleep now.
thats about it =) [we didnt take a group pic again didnt we? =/]
somehow.somethingwentwrongsomewherebutwhatsdonesdone.
icanthelpbutgotremindedofthereoccuringdreamswhichbothersme.
myheartdontfeelrightanymore.imfeelingprettyidioticsomehow.sigh.
ijustwishedtherewasacalloramsgformefromhimforonce.
Talked to mom. Read the papers. Check school work. Did some timekeeping. checked out omega sector for an hour. tried figuring out what to wear but ended up asking mom. Got ready to go out.
& MY FLU IS LIKE... RUNNING TAP WATER LOR. zomg. hate it so much. ++points with my headache. GG lor. pfft.
order of meeting:
zj bobby kt lobbie marc anni jiamin cass karen mervyn galvin(&hisgf)
Met at City Hall MRT station. called n called n called like a gazillion times to be sure that we didnt miss out anyone. T_T bobby showed his friends pics(earlier on they were poking fun at me when i msned him; he was doing his project and the laptop wasnt with him) and zj lend me his psp (though i too shy to play it in front of the crowd). finally knew lobbies real name but i still cant register it in my brain <.<>hw couldnt come. xuan as well. lq too. family gatherings.
we went ahead to seoul garden at marina. but because it was the eve of national day, the cost will be 27 bucks per person. we are like, *^$^ flyflyliao* and decided not to eat there. went into marina and they were like asking me to decide on a place to eat. for me i do not like to be the one choosing the place to eat. but we all decided upon taking away food from nearby fastfood of our choice and getting an open space to sit and wait for the fireworks at 9pm.
bobby and i [ljs] zj [err.iforgot] anni [kfc] therest [burgerking]
ate and sat on the floor in a oval shaped manner. took some medication after that. marc was sending smses to me and anni to try out our phones - all the japanese characters turned out as [][][][] in our phones. lol. anni and i desperately need new phones! =x did some mini chitchat among ourselves while waiting for the fireworks to happen. and when it did. all of us stood up to watch. 12 minutes of fireworks.
IT WAS SO NICE! ~XD
*wishedthatiwastherewithsomeonespecialbutishemysomeoneanymorebcosidonotknow*
i kept saying oh dear/wow - this is pretty.I was like *tiptoes to see fireworks at the bridge and looks up to see the fireworks*. i did gasp with delight. loved the one that changed colour and that filled up the whole sky. Never mind the fact that trees (and people, for my case) were blocking me from getting a good view at the fireworks near the bridge, but the ones that were displayed higher up towards the sky was so nice and pretty.
*Note to self: Please get your butt to watch NDP live and the fireworks again next year* =x
and the 12 minutes of fireworks display was too short in my honest opinion. MORE MORE! =x After the fireworks, we decided to hang around at Esplanade for mini chitchats. this is the worst part of all. THE CROWD IS CRAZY. its like ants finding sweet treasures(mrt/bus home) . kt went on and said Summon Balrog. <.< lol. while trying to cross the streets, there were too many people. and somehow i started feeling worse even though i took my medication earlier.
While waiting for the crowd to subside so that we can sit near colours of the bay facing the singapore river (karen went off to find someway to get us there), my body started heating up and making me flush but my hands and feet were turning into ice. I started flushing and the food was at my throat but i couldnt manage to throw up. the involuntary tears started to appear and everything was so... slow/bland/blur/i couldnt figure out what was happening. i only could cover my mouth with my hand and wipe my tears. i couldnt figure out what i would have done but that faint/giddiness/vomiting feeling was so strong and i was trying to fight back. i think bobby was waving his hand infront of me and was asking if i was feeling alright. i couldnt even see lobbie and jiamin infront of me for some time. when karen came back she even led the way with her holding me. anni offered me sweets so that i dont feel nauseous. it took us quite some time to get seats. <3 u all for the concern.
bobby kt talked about ns. marc zj crazed about psp. karen anni had mini conversations while watching marc and zj. jiamin napped. cass read comics? yeah. kt passed lollipops. me? trying to make sure i dont throw up at bobby who was sitting infront of me. =/ passed gift/card to anni =) *smooches anni* lol.
mervyn came with galvin (so late lor!). got abit better and chatted to mervyn. anni left earlier to catch the bus. 1130 and we all went off. karen got her hubby to fetch her (bobby and kt being cheapskates getting free ride) zj took another train. we all managed to get the last train home. marc left, cass, then lobbie. mervyn and i should have left the train but we decided to stay on board and send jiamin till cck making sure she get a bus ride home. no bus/train for me n merv so we shared a cab - i owe u one merv =p
by the time we reach cck my fever and flu started to annoy me again. luckily there were a few taxis waiting. the cab was cold la - involuntary action of placing my icy hand over my mouth. but my body was heating up and i was feeling somewhat uncomfortable. bobby and zj made sure i msged them when i reached home. cass n jiamin msged me when they reached home/with their parents. made the cab driver stop to the road nearby my block - so that the fare would be cheaper. reached home by 1 plus. took something light to eat before my medication and now waiting for the giddiness to subside before i get myself to bed. msned mervyn that im home. all of them forcing me to sleep now.
thats about it =) [we didnt take a group pic again didnt we? =/]
icanthelpbutgotremindedofthereoccuringdreamswhichbothersme.
myheartdontfeelrightanymore.imfeelingprettyidioticsomehow.sigh.
ijustwishedtherewasacalloramsgformefromhimforonce.
Monday, August 07, 2006
skipped IMM lecture. woke up with signs of flu. giddy like dunno lah.
2-3 IMM tutorial. dr lim shook her head at me -.-
4-5 IMM practical TEST. DIE DIE MUST PASS
today is like a busy day for my phone. AND i can see how badly i need a new phone. T_T
idontquitegetthewholeideawithwhateveriamthinkingnow.
thisisseriouslybotheringme,yetagain
2-3 IMM tutorial. dr lim shook her head at me -.-
4-5 IMM practical TEST. DIE DIE MUST PASS
today is like a busy day for my phone. AND i can see how badly i need a new phone. T_T
thisisseriouslybotheringme,yetagain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
