Stop this. I dont know what to say.

I cant sleep.
& I only slept at around 7.15, the time before i forcefully closed my eyes...
& ... I woke up soon after... writing this entry... after my brother pried the laptop off my hands while i was so-called-sleeping.

less than 2 hours of sleep... and my eyes are still not tired nor sleepy.
Well, whatever it is, lets just type type n type yah?

Went out yesterday with my family... mom, dad, me, 1st bro, with sis n my nephew. Johore! Pasar Pandan... hmm... nothing great but its fun... its been a while since i laughed that much (and that loud... =x)
Bro sis n nephew did a sleepover for the night, and we only reached home at around 1 plus in the morning...

Truth be told... i never would like to switch on the laptop, only to see something that i dont think i would like at all. Seriously, maybe i should seriously study Human Psychology, cos... somehow i just wish i may end up as a counsellor or something. Working in an office or lab may eventually kill my brain cells. But who am i to say? I enjoyed working interacting with people instead of working alone... but at times i rather work alone... So i seriously wonder what am i going to do next year? When i told mom that i wanted to be a counsellor, she said, you? sure anot? later hear peoples story ur heart aches because you might end up solving ppls problems and not your own. mom sure knows how to actually kill my dreams instantly sometimes.

the whole thing is that. i only got this weekend as a well deserved holiday. i seriously wish to just be happy with happy people around me. i got alot of things to take care of. especially when it comes to deciding the fate of my life(in terms of studies, work, etc.) and maybe my partner(for fyp) as well. have it not be written across my face, for i do not know, but i know i do warn people that i need some time off to myself. that time is not just a day. or a few hours, but its SOME time. and when im cheery, god forbid, stop being so mellow.

seriously, i do not know what to say anymore. If someone wished to bestow upon him whatever he thinks, so be it. For what i have said, i needed some time off... and really, does it sound like a big demand? Doesnt it simply equates that, i need some space to breathe? no it dont? oh god. then i have no other way to say it but with the anger building up inside me.

Ive been through alot of regrets for this year... and i sincerely would like to take a step back to see what have i been doing all these while. More or less, I would LIKE to erase alot of things from my mind... just like 2 years ago. BUT, to an extend, that will affect the relationships around me. ive been doing alot to earn back what ive lost. and yet im still at the losing end.

whatever that is, this time round, im blessed with people that cared. that pushed me and nudged me to move on, and be stronger. and right now i wish to gain back my old self, some of the qualities and character that ive lost. But im so happy that i lost so much of the short fuse and shoutbacks, but somehow i think i lost it to an extend that i cant even get angry at times. should i regret? i cant, cos i did this upon myself, whether i like it or not. Ive got to move on.

Cant you see im trying to cheer up for abit? to be happy and all? and people will definitely say. look at sal, she changed. I dun understand her anymore. Have u even tried? Seriously, or did you try too hard till you got lost somewhere? cos right now, im just shutting myself out from any feelings. cant u see? i dont wish to feel anything other than happiness for the time being. does two wrongs make 1 right? cos seriously, i dont wish to feel anything else than seeing myself with a smile across my face.

I seriously hate it when people dont understand the reason why i do not wish to explain or defend myself. because I dont want to get angry and do an action on impulse. even so, should you test my patience?

and I just Wrote this because Im angry. AND EVERYTHING here is on impulse. Im TIRED. tired of being so patient. TIRED of being nice. Tired of being down. Tired of being ME. If anyone ever say im angry with them. BY ALL MEANS, I WONT STOP YOU. cos Ive already said to what im TIRED OF being.

SO if you ever take these words to heart or TOO hard, my fellow readers... and i have to say is, JUST READ MY TITLE for this post.

it doesnt means im dumb or im in the wrong when i never say anything at all. and READ between the lines.

amazing how much bitterness i actually poured out to this innocent-introduction post.