My heart is a Maze...

Is it a good thing if i actually archived every single thoughts in one blog by itself? because if i did there will be hundreds of entries instead. i could relive it anytime i wanted to.

But i dont wish to relive the life that i had ever since i started my polytechnic years. edging towards the adulthood but yet stumbling upon adolescence. its a killer. i started to think...

When will i really grow up?

When will i admit to myself that I am actually an adult?




Look at what i wrote early last year... or was it two years ago? i was reading my previous blog, unknown to many... :

You. You out there. Yes YOU. / I hate you. Hate you saying my words. / Hate you following my phrases. / Hate to listen the phrase coming out from your mouth. / It's my phrase, my ideas. / Those words just kept repeating in my head, / with you awful voice stuck with it, like an echo. / Leave me alone, YOU should. Don't get reminded by me. / Stop bothering me. You made my life a horrible mess. / Look at who needs to clean it up in the end... / YOU. that certain YOU out there. / Dont think everything is normal. You're so wrong. / Dont act as if you know me well. You're so wrong. / Dont act as if you're the victim. You're so wrong. / Just get out of my sight. Out of my way. / It's sickening enough that you're once a part in my life. / Buzz off i dun care. Finally... /YOU YOURSELF MADE ME HATE YOU.

Oh god. I didnt realise i have a secret but lost dwelling in me. The place is called Hatred. Maybe it can also be categorised as Despair. Only God knows what i was going through then.

-

And i Have to admit... i am addicted to caffeine.


i have this imagery in my mind; im hanging onto two ropes, one on each hand. one rope is my past and the other is my future. my past is attached to me like im a criminal accused, while my future is linked in chains, bound to break if im not careful enough.
and below me is this endless void called,
depression.

can i commit the worst sin of all to myself? u noe the part where u know that youre going to end this years of hardship?
im struggling to fight these demons. my own.
just that this time, the demon is me. myself. my desires. my thoughts. Its all about me.

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku semangat untuk melalui segala rintangan yang sudah berlaku dan akan berlaku. Kerana Engkau lah Maha Pemurah dan Maha Penyayang. Maha Pengampun.